I don’t know where to begin or even how to explain it. One thing’s for sure is that I’m holding in so much emotion. I’m holding so much anger, so much hate, and so much confusion. I don’t know how this all started. I don’t know what to think of it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what it is. They say that I do know, but I mean it when I say, I DON’T KNOW. It may seem like a safe answer but seriously I don’t know.
It’s not funny how all this stress is making me moody around my family. How careless and restless I’ve become. It’s not funny how coffee is losing its effect on me. How my schedule is all fucked up. How lately I’ve been getting uncontrollable “panic attacks”. How a couple of nights ago, I had a splitting headache. The phrase “the room is spinning” comes to mind. My room was moving and it felt as if my brain was spinning. I wasn’t parched nor was I hungry. And I’m sure I wasn’t restless and that I was definitely sober. Yet, I got a headache like no other. It’s not funny how I randomly shake as if I’m swimming nude in the Arctic Ocean. It isn’t funny how my heart randomly beats faster than usually, when all I’m doing is sitting down.
I hate that I don’t know how to stop all this. I just want whatever IT is to go away. I don’t know why I’m forcing myself to do whatever. This is so not funny anymore.
I was playing tag with the little monsters. And being the eldest, the little monsters took every chance to claim me as “it”. We went from the regular game of tag, to sticky tag, then freeze tag. During regular tag, we thought it was pointless running around the field. During sticky tag, a few of us tripped. A lot. Then freeze tag, the most confusing of all games. Despite the fact of being the first to call “not it”, I was the one running around “freezing” the little monsters. I thought I was a decent runner but during games like these, I suck. So I’m chasing one monster after another, and next to me is the youngest one. He was randomly tagging the others. Even tagging them twice. lol So I run up to him. I tag him but instead of “freezing”, he runs away. I run up to him, again. And tag him, again. He smiles and tags me back.
Me: “Boy, what are you doing?
Brandon: “Playing! Hehehe!”
Me: “But why are you tagging me?”
Me: “Boy, do you know who’s it?”
The little monster smiles, points at me, and runs away. Kids -__-
I’m being so cliche, pathetic, and careless. It’s cliche to say that every song, every quote, almost every thing reminds me of you. It’s pathetic to even think that exactly a year ago, I was happier. It’s careless of me to tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I know its not. Yeah, I’m being emo but wtfe. I’m here sitting in my room, trying to do homework, and out of no where you come to mind. As if you that never happened before. But this time, its different. Danielle says that everything I built up is just coming down. I guess she’s right. It doesn’t help that the radio are playing those kind of songs. And if it can’t get anymore cliche, Neyo’s “So sick” plays. Like wtf. This is hard, very hard. It’s so hard to know that everything about you is natural. (When you like someone for so long, sometimes you forget the reason why and it becomes natural) I talk about you without thinking. I think about you without knowing. And what I do know is that I miss you. I seriously do. I miss everything about you. I’m trying, but when I think about it, idk what I’m trying for anymore. I’m lost.
I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.
I have this friend who is having trouble with a friend. And they’re like the best of friends. Yeah. Anyways, the bestfriend, a friend of a friend, is kinda like not himself. Or was it herself? I forget but yeah. So like, my friend is super confused. He has no idea what to do. My friend is upset but like trying to make things work. And the friend is all carefree and yeah. So like, they hardly talk now. What should my friend do? Should my friend talk to his friend? Should he let the friend be? To me, the friend seems to be okay. Like yeah, sure. But that friend isn’t the same. Like different. So like, its weird. Very weird. Yeah. Its awkward even. So like yeah, are we even friends anymore?
I was feeling doubtful about what career I would choose, considering that classes are starting soon. I thought that I shouldn’t waste no more time and at least get an idea of whatever “it” is. I was pretty sure what the answer would be but I guess I just wanted to be sure. lolz
You are the Artistic Personality Type!
Artistic people like to live by their own rules—or no rules at all. They are creative and enjoy working with words or with color. They may be good at drawing, writing, playing music, or telling stories.
Artistic people are intuitive and often know what others are up to. They don’t have dozens of friends, but they have a few very close friends. They don’t like to work in very strict environments. Instead, they prefer to hear about new ideas and try out new things.
Possible degree programs: Art, Music, Writing, Literature, Drama, History, Interior Decorating, Fashion Design, Public Relations, Philosophy, Journalism, Graphic Design.